Sometimes I find myself really struggling to "feel" the gratitude for the words I speak or the words I know I should be speaking.
Did you ever notice it can be that one small thing that becomes a catalyst for a series of events to take place? I call it a spiral, sometimes an avalanche. Just depends how deep I go.
This type of effect goes both ways, good and bad.
Why is it that following the "bad" series is so much easier? Better yet, how can I see the good ones more readily. What I am learning is that sometimes we can find the most wonderful lessons when we take a moment to witness the domino effect.
Yesterday, my ceiling height wardrobe/dresser collapsed as I was getting ready to walk out the door to go to the beach.
I stood there and just looked at the dresser for a bit. With that came an explosion of different emotions... So I continued to stand and let the thoughts and emotions begin to flow...
First reaction was "why am I about to cry?" added with a breath of "I give up". The moment I recognized this emotion, my plan of action was to pray to all my angels and spirit guides. I understand that I am here to be the strongest version of myself, but right now I don't have the will power to fix this dresser by myself. Why do I feel so alone? Why don't I have the energy to move my body the way I want to anymore? YOU NEED TO CRY
The second one round was "I need to scream into the void". I am so frustrated with my life right now. My body was hot, I wanted to just rip up every single piece of clothing. Followed up with why are all my clothes in a hallway and not in my own big bedroom like the one I used to have. Why am I single? Why am I not in my own house and making enough money to afford to live in one. Why don't I have a husband to help me? I don't want to do this alone. Why am I not being more active in the dating scene? Am I doing enough? Do I deserve to go the beach when this is going on? Shouldn't my priority be to clean all this up right now? SHADOW shadow SHADOW.
The third thought was "Are you serious?" I started getting down on myself for not being grateful. Grateful that I had so many clothes. Grateful that I had somewhere to live and keep the clothes.
Then the self sabotage of why couldn't I go right to the gratitude, I have so much when so many have so much less. I should be lucky that this is something to complain about. Hurricane Ida just took away so much from so many, there is a world wide pandemic happening and people are leaving their human form at alarming rates. I should be grateful that I have made it to another day. INNER CHILD IS CALLING FOR HELP.
So 20 minutes later, still staring in stillness, I know it's time to make a decision.
Are you going to the beach or are you going to figure out how to fix it and put all these clothes away?
Fuck I can't make a decision. What is the right thing to do?
So I called my mother and told her I wasn't going to make it to the beach because my whole dresser fell apart and there were clothes everywhere. I couldn't just leave a mess when it wasn't just my home. Maybe I wasn't meant to go to the beach tonight.
Her response was, just leave it for another day. Put everything in a pile and deal with it tomorrow. I wasn't able to answer because I needed time to process my response. Internally I questioned if her advice was coming from a narcissistic view point or was she trying to guide me in the right direction. Was she just telling me that because she didn't want to have her plans ruined? After a huge silence and pause in the conversation, she offered to come help me fix the dresser and she would look around her house for any tools that could assist. She was scrambling aloud for solutions on how we could fix the dresser. I recognized that as a loving gesture but didn't say it aloud. I simply stated that I needed time to process all of this and I would call her back.
Second call...to my sister whom I live with.
Her immediate response was "oh wow really, fuck". By the way, I didn't want to wake you up from your meditation earlier, but before I left for the park, one of the doors upstairs opened by itself. Maybe it's time to sage the house. (I had to literally decide if there was a chance this was in some how related to the collapse of my dresser) I also crack up laughing for a moment, knowing that there are always spirits around us but they did not break my furniture.
I casually mention that I was planning on going to the beach but I should probably deal with the mess instead. She immediately responded, go enjoy some time at the beach, you love it there. We can deal with it tomorrow. Your brother in law can help.
Same solution as response 1 from Mom, but different reaction. This one I believed.
I grab Bodhi, his leash and a bottle of water and off to the beach.
The whole car ride was spent analyzing my decision to get in the car and go to the beach. I convinced myself of so many things on that short ride. Yes, it was okay to go the beach. Yes, I am allowed to enjoy the sunset and the truth is I don't really know how many sunsets I will get to see before the winter comes. Yes, you are allowed to enjoy stillness even if you didn't produce enough work to bring in money for the day. Your fur baby, Bodhi loves the beach, he also deserves it. You made a choice, stop dwelling on it.
I get to the beach and my mom intuitively snuck to the store to buy me a new comfortable beach chair. What an amazing gift & it matches Bodhi's leash perfectly. Thanks Mom.
As soon as we get to the water and the chairs set up, it's right to a nice long meditative walk on the cool sand. I make my way back to my belongings and gratefully sink into my seat. I begin to notice my breath flowing more easily. I felt my spine soften into the seat. Surrender, be heavy in your bones. Just Relax.
My eyes became full watching the ocean move, my ears were soothed by the sounds of the waves, I created a knowing of how healthy it was to breathe in the salt air. I began taking extra long inhales and even longer exhales. My gaze turned to the sky. Wow, all these colors are stunning. Look how pretty the twinkle of the stars are in the early night sky. The sun changing colors as it dipped below the horizon was breath taking. What an amazing Sunset.